The Periphery of the Mind

I was rewatching Babylon 5 last night, finishing up the second season, and finally got to the episode "Comes the Inquisitor". I'll spare you the details, except that the question "who are you" plays a significant role.

When I first saw this episode, about two years ago, three questions kept running through my head. "Who am I," "where do I want to be," and "how am I going to get there". Watching Babylon 5 made me realize just how universal these questions really are.

I spent months obsessing over those questions. I was still a bit of a wreck from my divorce, just plodding along with no real point or purpose in life. Did I get up in the morning to go to work so that I could have food and shelter until I died? Did I associate with friends and family so that I'd have distractions from work, food, and shelter, until I died? Did I believe in an afterlife so that this life might seem more significant, or less, and did I even believe in an afterlife at all? Who am I?

Did I want a girlfriend, or would I rather be alone? I can barely live with a cat, would I ever be able to appreciate living with another person? Did I want to continue plodding through the hours until my body lay in the grave, or would I rather just cut to the chase and end it? Or maybe just abandon the life I was living and start a new life elsewhere in the world where I might find a sense of purpose? Where do I want to be?

I knew I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live, and enjoy life. I wanted to experience the beauty and majesty of the world. I enjoyed meeting people, helping people, and then fading away before I became a crutch for them. I figure if I can get out of bed, bathe myself, feed myself, and still have the will and energy to go help do something or listen to someone vent their frustrations, I'm doing pretty good. But I wanted more out of life. How am I going to get there?

I plodded along. Found some answers, changed some things. Some days the old doubts and desires rise up, taking turns between whispering and screaming into my ears. But nihilism and pride don't hold the same charisma they used to for me. I will never cure cancer, but I give my blood to help others. I will never shelter the homeless, but I helped build a house for a poor family. I will never move a mountain, but I moved a boulder, and I may move more before I'm done.

Just as long as I don't put that one boulder back....